The days of meeting someone at the “sock hop” and going out for a milkshake are long gone. They have been replaced by internet dating and unsolicited inappropriate pics via text.
A few months ago, a couple of girlfriends and I were venting about dating. We each tell the tale of how we received our recent battle wounds in the dating pool. We spoke about men that are inconsistent, only wanting a sexual relationship or not really knowing what they are wanting. Later that night, I laid in bed and let my mind flow with questions.
- Why is it I kept meeting the wrong men?
- Has dating really changed since my 7 year relationship ended?
These and many other questions swirled in my brain. Cut to the next day: I wake up to a “Good Morning Beautiful” text from a man I dated for a few months. As fast as our whirlwind dating started it stopped just as fast. This was one of a few messages he sent me in the last couple of months, since he stopped messaging me on the regular. I considered responding but what good would that do? Would anything change since it hasn’t before?
After some deep self-reflection it hit me like a ton of bricks. I realized just as much as he was being a jerk, I was being dumb. No matter how much we, as women, want to blame all the dating mistakes on men, we have to accept dating mishaps are our fault too. Before anyone gets upset, I would like to clarify what I mean. We allow the person we are dating to treat us the way they are. Being overloaded with interest then your messages turn into a “ghost town,” but give it a few days to a couple months and the connection continues. We will get the messages back to back for a while then your communication is the “Hey stranger” or “Good morning gorgeous” texts. We allow someone to step right back in like nothing has happened. We allow the on and off contact. We allow someone to pursue us when we are told “I am not looking for a relationship right now.”and then get mad at them when we can’t convince them to be in a relationship. We allow ourselves to overlook that feeling in the pit stomach when our gut tells us this isn’t right. A lot of the women come across have dealt the same things I have.
I think we have all been that girl to get dressed in the middle of the night because a man sends a message saying
“The plans I had fell through lets meet for a drink in 30 minutes.”
I know I have done that too many times to count. I think we have all been that girl that lets her defenses down and got seduced by that delicious looking morsel that asked for your number a couple of days ago. Let me state, I love and adore all my friends. I have known them for many years. I have the outlook if you like it then I love it and I’m not going to judge you. I want to share a few tidbits just to show, we all have been in the same shoes:
[The following names have been changed to protect the women in the examples]
I have a friend named “Crystal” who will drop everything for a man that will give her attention. Including and not limited to choosing a man over friends and driving hours to his house because a man want to be intimate with her. I have a friend “Amy” that was dating a man for about two weeks and intimacy became a factor. She wanted him to wear a condom but his response “Do I have to? I really don’t want to.” Can you guess which actually happened? Yup, she gave him the go ahead without it. Another friend of mine “Heather” got sexual with a man very fast because he was extremely good looking. Not that she was shallow but she felt since she is a “BBW” [Editor’s Note, BBW stands for Big Beautiful Woman] and he was out of her league because he was good looking. I can promise you I have let it be known with her that she needs to take steps to value herself. As they say you can lead a horse to water but you can’t make him drink.
Until I had this epiphany, I never realized how essential confidence and self-love are when dating. The age old saying “How do you expect someone to love you if you can love yourself?’ actually rings true. Once you truly love yourself, you expect more out of others. You are worth more than you give yourself credit for. Stop for a moment and think about the issues you have come across when dating. Write down a few things that has caused you to let the person you are dating treating you different than you wanted? Really think about it. Go deep. Foreveryone it will be different reasons. Write your reasons why you continued to date someone even though you were treated below the standard you wanted. In addition write out actions or instances someone did not treat you in a way you didn’t like. (Seriously, go get a piece of paper and a pen.) I will bring this up a little later.
- Were you just wanting to have any attention you could get?
- Entertaining a man because you felt that was the best you could do?
- Have you let a man take advantage of you and what you bring to the relationship just because that’s better than being alone?
First let me say, “Welcome to the club, Sister!” Congratulations! Refreshments are on the left, you will get your “members only” jacket by mail in 4-6 weeks and get to learn the secret handshake very soon. Joking aside, I have been there. I know a lot of women that have been there. All of those situations comes down to confidence and love for oneself.
I asked you to write down some scenarios. How much of the dating issues you have personally had come in contact with stem from either low self-esteem or low self-confidence? Now think about your next relationship, knowing you deserve all of the love, affection, and attention. Knowing this, would you have the same issues? I certainly hope not. Once you have that confidence in yourself, you immediately recognize you deserve to be treated better. You start to expect respect from everyone you come in contact with regardless if it is friendship or relationship. This changes everything.
- Will you try to create a relationship with a man that says he doesn’t want a relationship? NOPE!
- Will you go all out for someone that will only give you partial attention? NOPE!
- Will you accept someone telling you they are interested, but they only message every couple of days? NOPE!
- Will you accept being treated less than you deserve? NOPE!
You would be surprised at how many women will try to talk or date a man that has told you he does not want a relationship. I know I did. I tried for 3 years to date a man that told me in the beginning he didn’t want a relationship. Ladies, when a man tells you he doesn’t want a relationship, believe him. Chalk it up as an “L” and move on to a man that does want a relationship. After month and years of trying to date a man that doesn’t want a relationship do you think that will change? Nope it won’t. It will only waste your time and pull on your emotions on this person making it even harder to move on. You then can’t acted surprised. If he ends up a couple months down the road in a relationship that is his way of saying he just didn’t want a relationship with you but he didn’t want to hurt your feelings.
Why waste your time with someone you know is talking to someone else? That same energy can be used to find someone that is all about you. It does not take much to show attention. Especially, since we are in the world of cell phones. My mother would always say “The only acceptable reason a man doesn’t communicate with you every day is death. He will get a one day pass if in the hospital. They have phones in the hospital and all they are doing is laying down doing nothing waiting for the doctor. He’s bullshiting you if he says he didn’t have time to call.” She told me this many times in her lifetime. I actually did not understand the deeper meaning until recently. There are more than enough hours in the day to show that you are important.
Ironically, when you are confident you become more attractive to others. I am confronted often about the “vibes” that I put out and how they are “intoxicating.” I am told this by men and women alike. Like you, I have had my own struggles with weight and living as a fat person. I will save that story for later to limit time and for possibly another article. I control who I give my energy and my joy. I only have one body. My body may be tall and fat but its ALL MINE and no one else’s. I will walk in to an event with a huge smile and my head held high while wearing a dress that is tight and short. I walk with a stride with pride. It is surprising to see how others treat you when you exude confidence.
I am sure you are reading and saying
“OKAY! We get it. I need confidence but how do I get it?”
It’s not easy. If you are anything like me you were teased a lot growing up and either have or considered self harm. I am letting you know right now having confidence is a journey. I wanted to share some things I did to get my confidence to the point that is it now. You have to look confident, sound confident and feel confident. When around others, fake it until you create it. Yes cliché but easy to do and if done right it’s hard for others to know the truth unless you tell them. Faking it isn’t as hard as it sounds. The best plan of action wear a banging outfit, walk tall, eyes up and with a smile. Do not underestimate this. If you do not know how to walk tall, no problem I’ll teach you. Back straight, shoulders back and head up and your eyes straight ahead. Slouching and looking at the floor while walking conveys insecurity. See, nothing to it when it comes to others physically seeing you look confident. No matter how fierce you look that can be shatter to pieces as soon as you talk about how outfit you are wearing makes you feel self-conscious. Keep all the negative thoughts and feeling about how you look should not be told to others. You will sound confident when you hold yourself to a higher caliber while not belittling yourself in any way. Tis will be a little harder that looking confident as we are already conditioned to make snarky comments about ourselves.
The hardest step is you believing what you are selling to others. This part will take a lot of time and patience. I have done the same routine for many years. Write a quote or inspirational words on your mirror. Each time you look in the mirror read them out loud. Once a day tell yourself you are beautiful exactly the way you are. This helps if you are looking in a mirror where you can see the most of your body. You discretion if you want to be clothed, nude or in your underwear. Before I went to bed I would write down in a journal one thing I loved about myself. After I added to my list, I would reread the list. It amazes me we will go out of our way to make sure a man knows he’s appreciated but we will not do the same for ourselves. Want an immediate extra boost of confidence or pep in your step? Go get a sexy bra and panties set and wear them just for you. All the energy you would put towards impressing a man to that into impressing yourself.
The next time a man sends you a message in the middle of the night to meet up ask yourself
“Why am I going to meet up with someone that chose to not make me the priority?”
We are adults. He is busy. You are busy. You are worth more than driving in the rain to meet him for a drink at 11pm. Nothing stopped him asking you the day before to make plans to have a drink during a time that worked for you. Tell him you already have plans and you are not canceling them. I don’t care if you are eating a pint of ice cream by yourself and watching TV. Keep your booty right where it is. Essentially he is saying his other plans fell through you have to jump up and entertain him. I don’t think so! You can absolutely tell him you can squeeze him in a couple days if he truly wants to see you. Give two choices of a day and time when you know you both should be available. If he can’t make either date without a reasonable explanation or offering an alternate date that gives you time to plan then prepared to tell him you have plans on those days. Stop allowing the other person to dictate your time. What’s the worst that will happen? He won’t ask you again? Oh well. On the next. Ask yourself this. Are all really dating each other if you are the one bending over backwards to see him? Don’t make him a priority if he is not making you one.
Say you have just met someone and you have been on a couple of outings or get together. Please note, I did not say date. I said outings. Having a drink is for the buddies or an ice breaker the first time you meet someone. Do not confuse going out for a drink, cup of coffee, or watching tv at someone’s house on the same level as going out to dinner, sipping a glass of wine and having a conversation for a couple of hours. A date means you are actively trying to get to know this person to have a relationship. Outings and get together are camouflage for I’m just trying to bang you. I am all for a drink or coffee ice breaker you get to meet someone but you don’t want to commit 2 hours for dinner. You can take as short or as long as you want in your icebreaker. We have all been on that date where it’s been an eternity, you counted all the tiles and you are begging for an earthquake, you check you phone and its only been 5 minutes. I will only accept an invitation for dinner once a coffee date is successful. Have more respect for your body. At any point, if he jokes about “What does that mouth do?” A man should not be saying this to you. He is telling you he only sees you as a sex object. None of this matters if you are only wanting a sexual relationship. However, it is greatly important for those wanting a relationship. For those wanting a relationship, regardless how you respond, just walk away from him. You don’t have to wait for the end of the night. Whenever you feel uncomfortable just leave. You are not obligated to stay there.
Think back to when you were little. You were the princess of someone’s castle and demanded to be treated that way. Now, you are grown up. This means you are able to eat a pint of ice cream and sip a glass of wine for dinner and no one can tell you anything, You are many years older and wiser but we have stopped expecting those to treat us with that respect. You are a Queen and you are the ruler of YOUR castle. Step up and Treat yourself as such. Know your worth then add luxury tax for safe measure. Never settle for less. Once you have the confidence to love yourself exactly the way you are nothing will stop you. Do not change yourself for someone else. You are the creator of your rules, expectations and how you are treated.
- Hug yourself
- Love yourself
- Walk tall
- Compliment other women
- …and don’t take any crap from anyone.
Show the world you are a queen and you demand respect. [Editor’s Note: Oh… and BE BOLD!]