Trust me, we’re going to get into some shit… soon. There will be tons of posts on this site about my history in the plus dating universe. From being completely stood up at a New York City pier to obliviously not realizing that a beauty queen at a bar was standing in front of my jacket so I’d make conversation with her, I’ve got the stories.
But, today, let’s talk about communication and transparency. If you are in our Bold Media Events group on Facebook, you’ll notice I’m always vocal about the song “Baby, it’s Cold, Outside” around this time of year. Yes, I know that there are plenty of other songs I should be concerned about. But, I use that song as a way to open up dialogue about clear communication. Not body language. Not context. Not subtle hints that she may want him. Actual, direct, conversation.
This is a microcosm for something that I have been discussing, at nauseam for years, now. And, I’ve been very vocal about it, recently. Please check out the below audio from an interview with SSBBW Superstar Rebecca Bedford in talking about telling our potential partners what we want.
In fact, I also just hosted a live session on Instagram talking about loving first versus being coy or keeping your guard up. All the same sentiment, right? Why are we reading between the lines instead of just talking?
My guess? In MOST cases (the “Baby It’s Cold Outside” scenario is a totally different animal and needs to be treated as such)
Fear that someone won’t want you anymore if you say “I’m not f*cking ready for intimacy at the moment.” Fear that someone will not love you back if you say “I love you. I want you. I want to spend time with you. It makes me happy.” There’s a great song about this by Joshua Radin (originally by Sven Kieper, or did he cover it? I don’t know… I’m not a love expert. Definitely not a music expert). He talks about the idea that when you love someone, when you communicate it, there’s a fear that they won’t fall back in love with you. Absolutely true. But, what the heck? Wasn’t that going to happen, anyway?
In the audio clip above (and in life, you’ll find that I contribute similar thoughts on business on my site, Aider Solutions), you’ll find me say that “Communication solves all problems. Nobody has ever said, ‘You know what the problem was? We communicated about it too much.'” And, I legitimately think that to be true. Are there exceptions? Sure. And, one of the major barriers is going to be that the communication is not GENUINE and comfortable. Comfort being the key factor that may not be viable. Some people just aren’t comfortable speaking their thoughts. Sometimes their thoughts aren’t even clear. It’s not always easy to communicate. And, there are other issues when we communicate that I can personally attest to:
- Over-communication: Are you sure what you’re saying is relevant? Are you trying to be helpful or harmful?
- Have you given your partner the ability to communicate BACK to you? (I personally speak a mile a minute when I’m passionate. No Bueno)
- Tone. Enough said on that subject, yes? Don’t be an ass. Think. Breathe. Communicate.
But, let’s say that you’ve operated within the boundaries you and your partner have set, communication and transparency should get you to the answers quicker.
Interested in taking a break?
Good to know
Want an open relationship?
Cool. I do or don’t.
You’re in love with me?
I likely feel the same way. If I don’t… wouldn’t you rather know now so that you can figure out if you want what I am offering or if you want to start the grieving process?
But, it’s in that open and honest communication that we can figure out what the next steps are. Do you know the number one reason people see relationship therapists is? I’ll tell you:
They want to end the relationship and don’t know how.
So, they drag the relationship for weeks, months, even years (I’ll be there for you! When the rain starts to fall…. Sorry… I had to). Sometimes, they don’t even reach a resolution. In rare instances, the relationship makes both partners happy, again, through hard work and compromise. In most cases, the relationship ends. Not always amicably. So, I always ask myself “would it have been easier if we just had those conversations?”
Trust me, I’ve been there. Relationship therapy with a partner is tough work. And, I, in fact, wanted to leave my partner. Finally, after a session, I asked her to sit down at the dining room table and said:
“Look… I love you. I don’t want to continue this. You’re hurting and I’m doing it. Please, let’s end this. Walk away so that you can be happy. I’ll cry and beg and scream for you to come back. But, don’t come back. Ever. Because I’ll drag this out far longer than it should be dragged out. It’ll hurt way worse. Don’t worry, I’ll be fine.”
I wish I had just said that from the beginning, but I needed the courage to do it! Sometimes, we need that crutch. It totally happens. But, it’s also important to consider having that grueling tough conversation might be the best thing for everyone. Of course, I did beg. I cried. I screamed. And, she did come back. And, it did drag it on almost another year. In the end, we needed no relationship therapist. She saw the signs and left. I wanted to slow clap for her.
Telling someone how you feel and TOTALLY meaning it can make the world of difference. Are you going to get hurt? It’s possible. But, you would have been hurt, anyway. You, just would have been pretending it wasn’t happening slowly.
What’s the upside? The upside is that you make some moves towards happiness. The upside is that maybe, just maybe, the person across the couch from you doesn’t just agree with you on your Netflix selection. The upside is that you can skip the bullshit and have someone you vibe with for as long as you want to vibe with them.